The reality of rape is so disgusting and vile to me that I get physically ill thinking about it too much. I cry for days when I hear about a group that suffers at the hands of rapists such as in the Congo. I always thought I was unable to cope with it, but then I realized that no – my sexual arousal is how I cope.
What I feel about actual rape is so negative, so all encompassing, that my body practically shuts down. It’s unable to deal with the rush of emotions, and it seems to balance that out. It seeks to balance it out with pleasure – and in this case, it’s sexual.
That feels so wrong to me, but the moment it occurred to me, I knew I’d found the root issue. It’s a very strong coping mechanism, similar to one that I’ve heard a lot of people talk about in the BDSM lifestyle. It’s a way for them to deal with all of the conflict in their daily life.
Feminist women who submit to their husbands because it arouses them, even though the idea of a patriarchy and gender roles repulse them. Men who hate aggressive women in their day to day life who go to a dominatrix on the weekend. It’s a way to deal with issues that aren’t usually so black and white as we often times believe.
It’s a way to explore our issues without having to admit to them; to try to administer therapy to ourselves without having to spend so much time feeling sad or angry. It’s a balancing measure that our body uses.
Our bodies, after all, do not like extremes. It doesn’t like extreme misery any more than it likes extreme happiness, and at all times it tries to centre us.
But even knowing that, it is very hard for me to handle my arousal over the things that disgust me most. I still fear all the stigma of people who would judge me for my kinks, and I still worry if it makes me a less compassionate human being. I worry about what it does to me, even as I understand that what it’s doing to me is tempering my sorrow and anger so that I don’t become lost to despair.
It still seems so contradictory to me, but it’s important to be aware of contradiction and hypocritical natures within ourselves, and to struggle to understand them. And the first step to doing that is to realize they’re there.
Related Posts on Femmedia:
Rape and Bodice Rippers – Women are okay with rape in erotica if it’s not called rape. Is this damaging to survivors?
Women, Erotica and Rape Fantasies – We walk a fine line when exploring dangerous fantasies, and have to be mindful not to let them bleed into reality in unsafe manners.
Taboos in Erotica – Definitions for taboos will vary from person to person.